Great Collaboration of Doom 9

Chapter Nine: In Which It Finally Ends

“Ooh! A sing-song! Can we join in? Now that you’ve all made friends again.” Dumbledore never wanted to miss out.

“Actually Professor, yes you probably can – I have another song we all used to sing in primary school. I randomly learnt some new magic yesterday that will make it come true. Now, after three everyone. Three!”

“I hate you, you hate me,
Barney gave me HIV.
So I kicked him in the bollocks and shot him in the head,
Now that purple bastard’s dead!”

The rousing chorus ended in (another) flash of smoke, this time purple as Voldemort, once again, vanished.

“Right, the HIV can count as killing one Horcrux and the shot in the head another, so I think that gets rid of another two of them, making it three, or is it four times we’ve “killed” him tonight. Only another three or four to go then and we’re finally rid of it!” Hermione was, as always, on top of things. Which takes us to Ron. Was it the firelight in the kitchen, or was he giving Snape sideways glances?

“No, Ron,” Ginny said a little too audibly, “his bad luck isn’t stretching to THAT!”

“Look, can we just get on with this whole wrapping up Voldemort thing? No, not like that Hermione,” Harry said as she got her whip out again, “I’ve got a mare to go and shag.”

Everyone looked around, aghast.

“First of all, since when have I been a ‘mare’? It has ugly, wrong connotations. And secondly, about time too! Do you know how long I’ve waited for you? Any longer and I would have dried up! Although I’d have preferred it if you told me in private, in a much nicer way. Oh well, boys will be boys! Come here you tiger! Grr!” Ginny was overcome! At last, the moment she had waited for!

“Yes, about that, I wasn’t describing you as a mare at all. You know how everyone seems to think I’m gay?

Well, I’m not… but neither am I particularly straight… you see, I do have a mare to go and shag – she’s waiting for me in the stable: an Axabran – a big horse to go with a big boy!!” Harry galloped out of the kitchen, unable to contain himself any longer.

Everyone else looked at each other, unable to utter a word.

Snape was the first to recover. “What a nightMARE,” he commented dryly.

Dumbledore cleared his throat. “Speaking of nightmares, isn’t it time you woke up, Severus?”

“Woke up?” Snape repeated.

Looking mildly surprised, Dumbledore nodded. “Yes. Surely you must have realised by now, Severus, that you are dreaming.”

His lip curling in disgust, Snape surveyed the odd collection of people in the school kitchens. “Why on Earth would I dream about this, Headmaster?”

“Oooh!” Hermione waved her hand excitedly, looking far more like her normal self, the essence of Dark-Hermione slowly retreating. “I know this!” She smiled, her expression far too smug for Snape’s liking.

“Cheese.”

Snape raised an eyebrow. “Cheese?” he drawled, making Ginny sigh longingly – apparently Snape could even make a word like cheese sound sexy.

“Yes,” Hermione said with a nod. “This is just the result of a badly digested piece of cheese. Didn’t anyone ever tell you not to eat cheese before you go to bed?”

The Potions Master sighed wearily. “I suppose I should have known that something was amiss when the Death Eaters started singing show tunes. Everyone knows that the minions of the Dark Lord prefer
barbershop.”

And, with that, Severus Snape awoke.

THE END